01192012 - 19th Day - 100%
I think I really needed this trip to Tech, more than I thought.
Expectations:
I honestly expected that people would be free and would have spare time to play with me, to just talk, to share. But it was not like that at all. I think I spent more time by myself than with others these past few days. It was weird being back at school. It felt as if I were coming to school for another semester. It’s like college never ended. (Technically speaking, I am still in college though..just wanted to point that out!) But it’s weird. Even though I felt this way, I also felt like an outsider. I felt awkward in my own apartment and being around people I have grown spiritually with, or at least most people. Or maybe this is how I have felt all along? Or maybe it’s just with larger groups of people. I don’t really know. Also, this sounds really selfish, but I am trying this thing…being honest with myself, no matter how ugly it may sound or look in words. So, here goes. I wanted people to miss me and to be excited to see me. I wanted people to sacrifice their time to play with me. Isn’t this so selfish? Wow.. I cannot believe I even thought these things…
Why?:
Was it because of this withdrawal I feel from not being at Tech anymore? Was it because I just miss CCF, how close my family was to me? All I had to do before was to reach out an arm’s length, and someone was physically there. It’s not the same at home, but.. I knew this was going to happen. God helped me prepare for this. But why do I feel this way? It’s because I lost sight of Him. I started focusing on the minuscule and insignificant things of life. The temporary things.
What is Happening Now:
I am glad that I was able to spend more time to myself these past few days at Tech. That sounds…kind of bad, too, but I really needed it. What I honestly need is healing and a great deal of it. I need to get rid of this pride. Sometimes I feel like I mount myself on a high seat, but I am not superior to anyone. I need humility…
Even though I stressed out like crazy about all my financial aid and getting things straightened out with this internship field study class, I think deep down in my heart, I knew it would all turn out to be okay. And it did! Everything ran so smoothly, and it had nothing to do with me or what I could do. It was all God. And this just broke my heart. That He still loves me even after all of the horrible things I have done. After how many times I have hurt Him. I know that there will be times ahead where I will still sin and hurt Him even more, but He still LOVES me. He doesn’t love a PART of me, but ALLLLL of me, even my ugliness and evilness.
What I’ve Learned:
This Tech trip has reminded me that..I am not alone. That I do not have to feel shameful or guilty. And it’s weird because I don’t. I don’t know if it is because I am still feeling numb, or if it really is because I know that my sins have been forgiven. But that doesn’t make sense, does it? Then, why would I sin in the first place? Wouldn’t I attempt to stay away from sin? Look..more lies are seeping into my head.
Now:
I feel..refreshed and renewed, even though physically I am tired. My Spirit feels alive. I do miss Tech, dearly, but I don’t want to dwell upon this emotion any longer. I don’t want to live life in a bland way. It’s a new year. A fresh start. It is time to rebuild, reevaluate, and refocus.
"broken but not hopeless."
어떡하죠 - 지선
그댄 너무 당연한 듯 오늘 내게 안부를 묻네요
난 그저 잘 지낸다 했죠 그댄 정말 날 너무 모르죠 ha
그대 없이도 내가 괜찮을 것 같나요 그대는 나 없이 괜찮나요
당신 없는 세상이 너무도 힘들어서 숨 쉬는 나를 원망했죠
어떡하죠 아직도 난 그대 한마디에 부서지는 하루를 살아요
그대 내게 말해 봐요 이러는게 나뿐인지 그대도 나처럼
하루가 아프고 또 아픈지 말해봐요 그대와 난
이미 너무 늦었나요 우리 다시 기회는 없나요
난 아직 그댈 생각해요 그댄 아마 알지도 모르죠 ha
결국 이런건가요 이렇게 끝인가요 그대는 이대로 괜찮나요
난 안될 것 같은데 그대 같은 사랑은 죽어도 내겐 없을텐데
어떡하죠 내 마음은 그대 아니면 누구도 안아줄 수 없을텐데
제발 나 를 잡아줘요 알잖아요 나란 사람 아무리 애써도
그대를 지울 수가 없단걸 제발 나를 잡아줘요
어떡하죠 아직도 난 그대 한마디에 부서지는 하루를 살아요
그대 내게 말해봐요 이러는게 나뿐인지 그대도 나처럼
하루가 아프고 또 아픈지 말해봐요 그대와 난
이미 너무 늦었나요 우리 다시 기회는 없나요
난 아직 그댈 생각해요 그댄 아마 알지도 모르죠 ha
01102012 - Just Going.. - 100%
i feel drained in some ways. the fear has lifted though. the anxiousness has gone, but the dark has been cast over me again. i let my guard down from the enemy, and let him enter. it’s been hard. my reliance of CCF has been strong. i know that in order to grow i must seek. just live in the word. but i am also in need of brothers and sisters. where can i find that here at home? not even in my own home is there anyone who is willing to talk with me about the revelations of the Lord.
i believe i would feel lonely at this point, but my internship has been occupying a lot of my time, even my time of thinking and reflecting.
am i…in the wrong?..
—
Daddy,
I ask for a heart of diligence and discipline. I don’t want to live by the flesh, but I want to live by the Spirit. In the Spirit. Through the Spirit. I cannot do this on my own. I need You. I want You. Just want You to be near, like You always are.
01082012 - Miscellaneous Thoughts.
open-minded, not blinded.
01052012 - Dream.
I had a dream last night that I was in my room, and there was a hulahoop on the floor. In the middle of that hula hoop, there was a cockroach stuck in it, just going around in circles, trying to find a way out. The hula hoop must have been bent a little because there was a space on one side, just enough for the cockroach to escape. The weird thing is, it didn’t. I was just watching it and then I started playing around with it. I lifted one side to see if the cockroach would try to escape, not really wanting to let it loose into my room, but it got away! I was tracking it down and saw that it was in the corner of my room near the door. I think I may have called mama for help to catch it. I looked around the room and found the bug killing spray and sprayed it on the cockroach until it stopped moving. I had to spritz it a few times because it was one tough cockroach. I usually don’t like catching bugs with napkin or tissue because you can feel it underneath it, but I had no choice. I picked it up in tissue paper, and for some reason, I dropped it a few times, maybe 3? One time I dropped it, it fell on its back side. It had soo many legs, and it was kinda gross. (Maybe it wasn’t a cockroach?) I still picked it up anyways, though. I looked at it closely. It wasn’t a regular cockroach. It was brown. There were interesting designs on its back. Then, I don’t know where I was, but someone told me that there types of cockroaches were rare, that there are only 4 of them in the world. But I felt for some reason, there wasn’t 4, but actually 5 of these cockroaches in the world. I felt like either that person gave me wrong information or lied to me. I know that doesn’t really make sense, and it’s actually weird to me, too.
This is all I remember. Why did I dream about a cockroach? -.-; Interesting…
—
Well, today is the first day of my internship! AH! :) Excited & Nervous.
—
I want to start my days with You
And end my days with praise for You.
01032012 - Replay. 100%
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzDLLd21FjU
Currently stuck in my head. Songs randomly find me sometimes. I never really knew this song, maybe listened to it a few times throughout the past year or two. On Sunday while PG was preaching about the church’s motto for this year, which is rebuilding the church, the lyrics for the bridge just kept replaying in my head. Does this happen to everyone? Because it happens to me often.
I love this song. The lyrics have so much meaning. Maybe it is one of God’s way of revealing something to me. However..PB is right. One thing I will never stop doing is worshiping the Lord. I have been recently reminded that music..singing praises to Him..is one way I connect with Him in a deep level. There is something about singing that brings me to freedom and releases my fears. I feel at peace. :)
More praising this year! YES! Just because I am not serving on praise team for CCF anymore, does not mean I cannot still praise Him! :D
—
Here are the lyrics.
Verse 1:
There is nothing like Your love
No exchange for all You gave
To be welcomed into life
So I can know the love that saves
Verse 2:
Now forever to belong
To walk with You for all my days
There’s no greater love than this
You are the Author and the Way
Pre-Chorus:
This is the sound of the redeemed
Rising up to praise the King
Our hope is in You
This is the sound of the redeemed
Rising up to praise the King
Chorus:
Singing glorious glorious One You have saved us
Honor and Power and Praise to the Savior
You are the Answer You are the Answer
Verse 3:
You come with power come with fire
As we lift Your name on high
And join with all the saints to sing
In bringing Honor to the King
Bridge:
We the redeemed
Hear us singing
You are Holy
You are Holy
12312011 - Fear & Complete Honesty -100%
It’s awesome how I can still get owned while serving at a youth group lock-in. It’s not something that I was exactly expecting, but I am glad that I did not have a closed heart to God. I’m happy that I was able to really humble myself. I had to keep reminding myself, “Just because this lock-in is set up for the youth group, doesn’t mean that God can’t reveal Himself to you.” I am not superior to anyone else because I am a also a child of God. We are all His children.
I am happy that I was able to go and how things ran so smoothly. My ride situation because we all know what happens when I am tired and driving, and my sickness got sooo much better in a matter of a few days. I am usually not able to pull all-nighters anymore, but God helped me stay awake for this lock-in. It is so amazing because this is something that my heart desired, that I had prayed for, and it is a prayer that God had answered. Why did I want to serve, you ask? I want to remain available. I want to continue to have a willing heart to serve, no matter what way it may be. I want to get plugged into a church, somewhere. I still want to be fed. I want to grow. I don’t want to stay in one place or falter back. I just want to be with my Daddy.
I’m happy that He gave me this opportunity to serve at this lock-in. He revealed to me where I was putting my identity in, things pertaining to this world that are temporary. He revealed to me to look for what my church is identified in. He revealed to me (and this is something that I already knew..) that I have been living in fear.
I admit that I am.. (I’ll start with the easy ones)
fearful of even the thought of dating.
fearful of messing up at my internship.
fearful of leaving my family.
fearful of not being able to love enough.
fearful of not being good enough.
fearful that no one will love me.
fearful that I will be too weak to have children.
fearful that I am living for my own glory.
fearful of not being able to remember.
PB said that we live our lives in order to get approval from others.
I do this sometimes when I see someone that I find attractive. I want to make myself more known to them, and I become more aware of my actions and words. Then there are times when I do the opposite, like now, when I don’t want to be seen. I don’t want anyone to discover me. This comes from my fear of living for my own selfish satisfactions, the voice “you’re not good enough,” and another voice “you’re going to mess up.” My mentality right now “it is better to avoid a situation that will tempt me and make me fall,” which I guess is good, but not when I start analyzing and avoiding every situation in my life that I think is will cause pain, even if it is a little bit. I’ve been living for my own security and safety, which also, I guess isn’t bad, but I’m relying on what I think is best for me and not trusting in God. I feel like I lack confidence now because I have lost trust and faith in God. Why?…Well, that’s something I have to figure out.
Hmm…I think this is the first time in a really long that that I’ve been so honest with myself. I always made excuses. I know what are lies, but I think that I still believed in some of them. What a good end to the year and good beginning to a new year! Ending and starting with honesty. :)
—
New year. New chapter of my life. New perspectives.
Hopes for 2012.
healed family.
missions - korea?
walking with confidence.
not to be a statistic.
loving people.
—
I don’t know how to end this…so PEACE! :)
12262011 - Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Family.
I guess in the sense of family, this quote holds true. I always took my family for granted when I was in high school. I was closed-off. I didn’t let any of my family into my life, and I did this through studying and keeping myself busy, also attempting and hoping this would help me avoid all of my problems. Did it help? Yes, but only with finding temporary relief of what was truly lying within, the closed chambers and wounds of my heart. I treated my family as if they were strangers. I lived with them, but they didn’t really know me. I didn’t really know them. I just lived with them. We never really shared life together. It wasn’t always like this. It was different when my sister and I were young children. It was in college that I realized the value of my family, especially my mama. I always treated her badly, knowingly and unknowingly. Knowingly because I knew what I was doing, but unknowingly because after repeating these actions and words, it became a habit. I forgot how to show love to my family. I forgot how to love, but college made me miss my family. God and college helped me discover love and how to love in the right way. Absence…makes the heart grow fonder. Absence of my family made my heart grow more to love and care for them.
Now..
I asked for things in my life. Some people say “Be careful what you wish for,” and some people say “Be careful what you pray for.” I prayed for patience, wisdom, and discernment. I prayed for God to work in my family, no matter how long or what it takes. To restore this brokenness with unity, to restore unhealthy with healthy, to restore anguish into peace, to be set free from bondages and chains. I see stirrings of Your work. I don’t want to lose sight of You, Daddy. I must remember. It’s going to be hard, I know. I am uncertain about what may happen, but I am certain that I cannot do this on my own. Daddy, You lead the way because all I need is You.
12192011 - Good with the Bad.
—70%
This past weekend has been so much fun. I loved spending time with close friends and making new ones. It has been really bittersweet, almost unreal, but I know that the time has come to move on. To grow up..
I am going to miss Tech. Maybe the food, but definitely the people. I know that I won’t be needed at Tech anymore, although my heart longs to be there continuously. I feel as if God is calling me back at home. It just hit me again how broken our family is. It breaks my heart. I want to help. Lord, what can I do? Nothing, but You can soften hardened hearts. You can make strong the weary, humble the proud. It is going to be hard, but I ask for these things. I ask for patience, wisdom, and discernment. I want to be closer to You than I ever before.. I must prepare my heart for what’s to come, to equip myself for this battle. The Enemy shall not win because You are victorious in all matters.
I wish I was more 착해 but I am so stubborn. When it comes to certain people, sometimes I wish I could care less, but the fact that those people may be family always gets to me. How are families supposed to be like? When I think about these people, negative thoughts come streaming into my head. Is that fair? They are Your children, too…no matter how much you may mess up and hurt others around you (with lifelong effects). You still love them. I can’t use ‘o..well God will always forgive me even if I intentionally mess up’ as an excuse anymore. I can’t take advantage of that grace I don’t deserve. My God, my Father, my Daddy…He loves them dearly. Who am I to judge? Nothing is impossible. Nothing is too late. I want to be hopeful, but sometimes my heart reflects hopeless. This is a lie. I know my actions..my words.. they don’t match sometimes. I’m flawed. Oh..I have so many flaws. I am nowhere near perfect. But I desire a change of heart. To love with my Father’s love.
—30%
Daddy, I’m not ready for this. Nowhere near ready. I don’t want this to happen, so I’m not going to do or say anything. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be so passionate about this that I am blinded by it. We both know that happens sometimes and what becomes of it. I will wait on You this time. I want to know Your thoughts. I want to be certain. I don’t want to be filled with fear. Until this fear is gone and until I feel only peace, I won’t move. I won’t budge. Step by step.
Love, Your daughter
